The Backstory
First, I would like to tell a story about a woman I knew and loved. This woman married very young and soon had three children. While she loved her children dearly, she struggled to find happiness in her marriage. After this young couple married, the woman moved several states away from her parents, brothers, and sisters. She battled depression and turned to different coping mechanisms in an attempt to bury negative emotions and feel good instead. One of those coping mechanisms was food - unhealthy snacks, large portions, sweets, highly concentrated and processed foods. Food became a reward, something that would make her feel better, albeit only temporarily. Food was also something to consume out of boredom. When other people or circumstances let her down, food never did. As her children grew up, they observed and accepted this addiction (yes, addiction) as normal, and they began to have the same relationship with food and their bodies as their mother. It was what they knew. Fast forward several years. Now in her late 40's, the woman suffered a massive stroke during a very routine surgical procedure, leaving her permanently disabled. No longer able to care for herself, and requiring more extensive care than her family could realistically provide, she spent the rest of her short life in a long-term care facility. Due to complications from the stroke, the woman died less than five and a half years later. This woman was my mom.
She died just over two years ago. Her death, which was a direct result of the way she treated her body, hit me hard. However, it was what gave me the push I needed to do something different with how I was treating my own body - this beautiful and sacred temple my Heavenly Father gave me. What I didn't realize when I began this journey two years ago, was how much my spirit was affected by what I was doing to my body. For that, I needed a broken heart and contrite spirit.
A Broken Heart and Contrite Spirit
Contrite is one of those words that I have heard many times, especially in the scriptures, but I didn't think I could properly explain it to someone else. So, I looked up the definition:
Contrite - adj: feeling or expressing remorse or penitence; affected by guilt. (synonyms: remorseful, repentant, regretful, sorry, apologetic)
The scriptures also teach us about a broken heart and a contrite spirit:
"Your sacrifices and your burnt offerings shall be done away, for I will accept none of [them]...
"And ye shall offer for a sacrifice unto me a broken heart and a contrite spirit. And whoso cometh unto me with a broken heart..., him will I baptize with fire and with the Holy Ghost" (3 Nephi 9:19-20).But what are a broken heart and a contrite spirit? And why are they considered a sacrifice?
When I don't understand a word or phrase, I also like to look into what our church leaders have said. Elder Bruce D. Porter spoke about this very topic during the 2007 October General Conference:
"As in all things, the Savior's life offers us the perfect example: ... "For I came down from heaven, not to do mine own will, but the will of him that sent me" (John 6:38). ...And when the time came to pay the ultimate sacrifice entailed in the Atonement, Christ shrank not to partake of the bitter cup but submitted completely to His Father's will.
"The Savior's perfect submission to the Eternal Father is the very essence of a broken heart and a contrite spirit. Christ's example teaches us that a broken heart is an eternal attribute of godliness. When our hearts are broken, we are completely open to the Spirit of God and recognize our dependence on Him for all that we have and all that we are" (emphasis added).Elder Porter also helps us to understand the sacrifice required of a broken heart and a contrite spirit:
"The sacrifice so entailed is a sacrifice of pride in all its forms. Like malleable clay in the hands of a skilled potter, the brokenhearted can be molded and shaped in the hands of the Master.
"A broken heart and a contrite spirit are also preconditions to repentance.
"... When we sin and desire forgiveness, a broken heart and a contrite spirit mean to experience "godly sorrow [that] worketh repentance" (2 Corinthians 7:10). This comes when our desire to be cleansed from sin is so consuming that our hearts ache with sorrow and we yearn to feel at peace with our Father in Heaven. Those who have a broken heart and a contrite spirit are willing to do anything and everything that God asks of them, without resistance or resentment. We cease doing things our way and learn to do them God's way instead. In such a condition of submissiveness, the Atonement can take effect and true repentance can occur" (emphasis added).To summarize, Elder Porter says that a broken heart and a contrite spirit mean:
1. Submitting to the will of the Father
2. Sacrificing our pride
3. Experiencing godly sorrow
Godly Sorrow
Godly sorrow is another term we hear often but may not understand completely. I recently heard an excellent description of godly sorrow from Jody Moore, who is also a member of the church. She puts out a weekly podcast - "Better Than Happy" - and works as a life coach. Months after learning from Jody on her podcast, I hired her as my life coach, and she has been instrumental in helping me progress on my journey to a lasting change. On her podcast, she has an entire episode dedicated to godly sorrow and explains it in a way I'd never heard before:
"The term 'godly sorrow' just sounded so big. How could I possibly be sorry in a godly way? I'm so far from being like God, and that just sounds so overwhelming and huge. And what does that even mean? ... The first clue...to understanding godly sorrow is to just break apart the words themselves. So 'God' - what do we know about God? God is love. ... God's love is the most unconditional, most unimaginable love, and it's always available to us no matter what. It's sort of like the sun. The sun is in the sky every day, and we can walk outside and experience the sunlight, or we can stay inside and stay out of the sun. But the sun is still always there. It's always available to everyone. And that's how God's love is - it's always there. We don't always choose to feel it, or live our lives in a way that we feel it as much. But it's always there and it never changes. And nothing that you do can increase God's love for you, or decrease it. It's just what it is. It's already set, and it's already off the charts. So if God is love, then 'godly sorrow' is sorrow with some kind of really big love involved" (emphasis added).Jody then goes on to compare godly sorrow against worldly sorrow. She asks us to picture a man standing on a corner calling the world to repentance. He's holding a sign that reads: "Repent now, because you're a sinner!" This is actually very repelling; it doesn't make you want to repent. Going back to Jody's words, she explains what this message really implies:
"You should repent now, because you're bad, you're evil, you're weak, something has gone terribly wrong. It's a fear-based type of call to repentance... That type of worldly sorrow...implies that there are two teams and you are on the wrong one, and you better hurry up and switch teams. ...To me, the opposite, godly sorrow, looks less like that sign that says "repent now or else," and more like a sign that says... "come home. come on home." To me that's godly sorrow - it's just coming home. And it's doing it because you're good. Because you are loved. Because God is love and you are made in His image, then you are love. And all that's happened is that you've gotten a little bit lost. You've wandered from home" (emphasis added).Isn't that a beautiful way to look at godly sorrow?
Daily Repentance
Now that we've unpacked those terms a bit, I want to go to a talk our Prophet gave during the Priesthood session of our most recent General Conference. If you haven't listened to or read his message yet, it will be worth your time to do so. I know that God can see the end from the beginning, and so He sends us warnings and direction through the words of our beloved prophets, in order to show His never-ending love for each of us and to protect us. In his talk, "We Can Do Better and Be Better," President Russell M. Nelson asks us to focus on creating a habit of daily repentance:
"Too many people consider repentance as punishment - something to be avoided except in the most serious circumstances. But this feeling of being penalized is engendered by Satan. He tries to block us from looking to Jesus Christ, who stands with open arms, hoping and willing to heal, forgive, cleanse, strengthen, purify, and sanctify us.
"...when Jesus asks you and me to "repent," He is inviting us to change our mind, our knowledge, our spirit - even the way we breathe. He is asking us to change the way we love, think, serve, spend our time, treat our wives, teach our children, and even care for our bodies.
"When we choose to repent, we choose to change! We allow the Savior to transform us into the best version of ourselves. We choose to grow spiritually and receive joy - the joy of redemption in Him. When we choose to repent, we choose to become more like Jesus Christ!
"...All of us can do better and be better than ever before" (emphasis added).I love that President Nelson reminds us that repentance is not a punishment and that it isn't just for serious sins. I had a hard time thinking about my dietary changes as repentance, but repentance is for everyone and for everything. Repentance is a change - a change of heart, a change of our habits, a change from what we did yesterday. All he is asking us to do is to be a little better today than we were yesterday. In the remainder of his talk, President Nelson talks about a few different ways in which we can change. He says:
"There are specific ways in which we can likely improve. One is in the way we treat our bodies. I stand in awe of the miracle of the human body. It is a magnificent creation, essential to our gradual ascent toward our ultimate divine potential. We cannot progress without it. In giving us the gift of a body, God has allowed us to take a vital step toward becoming more like Him.
"Satan understands this. He chafes at the fact that his premortal apostasy permanently disqualifies him from this privilege, leaving him in a constant state of jealousy and resentment. Thus many, if not most, of the temptations he puts in our path cause us to abuse our bodies or the bodies of others. Because Satan is miserable without a body, he wants us to be miserable because of ours."
Your Body is a Temple
The way in which we treat our bodies includes what we wear, what we say, what we listen to and watch, what we read, what we consume and put into our bodies, any permanent thing we do to our bodies - the list can be endless and overwhelming. When I think specifically about what I should and should not put into my body, I think about the revelation known as the "Word of Wisdom" found in section 89 of the Doctrine and Covenants:
"And, again, strong drinks are not for the belly, but for the washing of your bodies.
"And again, tobacco is not for the body, neither for the belly, and is not good for man, but is an herb for bruises and all sick cattle, to be used with judgment and skill.
"And again, hot drinks are not for the body or belly.
"And again, verily I say unto you, all wholesome herbs God hath ordained for the constitution, nature, and use of man...
"All grain is good for the food of man; as also the fruit of the vine; that which yieldeth fruit, whether in the ground or above the ground - " (D&C 89: 7-10, 16)After hearing a portion of this revelation, think about these words from our Prophet: "Your body is your personal temple, created to house your eternal spirit. Your care of that temple is important" (emphasis added).
Do you know the promise given to us if we should follow the Word of Wisdom?
"And all saints who remember to keep and do these sayings, walking in obedience to the commandments, shall receive health in their navel and marrow to their bones;
"And shall find wisdom and great treasures of knowledge, even hidden treasures;
"And shall run and not be weary, and shall walk and not faint.
"And I, the Lord, give unto them a promise, that the destroying angel shall pass by them, as the children of Israel, and not slay them" (D&C 89:18-21).In following the Word of Wisdom, we are promised health, wisdom and knowledge, strength, and life. What wonderful blessings!
Dealing With Setbacks and the Shame Spiral
During my journey, I experienced great success and also great setbacks. I learned that, like my mom, I also struggled with a food addiction and even a sugar addiction. My husband used his education to help me learn about nutrition. My life coach, Jody Moore, has specific training in weight loss and eating disorders. While she does focus on eating and nutrition, her main focus is on your mind - on learning the skills to change your thoughts in order to change your feelings, actions, and the results in your life. This change goes right along with repentance. In an article titled, "The Meaning of Repentance," Elder Theodore M. Burton says, "...we must not only change our ways, we must change our very thoughts, which control our actions" (emphasis added).
I mentioned great setbacks. It was hard for me to accept that I had a food addiction. I had a lot of shame around that. I want to go into shame a little bit. The following comes from a talk Jody Moore gave at BYU's Women's Conference earlier this year:
"...shame is one of Satan's main tools that he uses against us today. It is the enemy of spiritual growth. Shame is the belief that something's wrong with me, and it's a belief that every healthy human on the planet has, and yet, we all know, logically, that it's not true at all. There is nothing wrong with us. We're all spirit children of our Heavenly Father. We're all amazing and 100% lovable and worthy of connection and goodness.
"The scriptures tell us that the worth of souls is great in the sight of God. And while we know this intellectually, there's still that human part of our brains that questions, "Yeah, but I think something might be wrong with me." And Satan knows that and uses it against us."Because guilt and shame are so closely related, Jody also refers to well-known shame researcher Brené Brown to distinguish one from the other:
"[Brené Brown] talks about the difference between guilt and shame. Guilt, she says ... can be useful because guilt says, "I'm sorry, I made a mistake." But shame is always toxic. Shame says, "I'm sorry, I am a mistake."
"And guilt propels us to get our life back on track, to repent, to start choosing the right again, whereas shame says, "You're no good." Shame, according to the research, contributes to all kinds of disorders, such as addictions, eating disorders, substance abuse, sexual sins; all the kinds of traps that people get stuck in, in this lifetime, are fueled by shame. And shame loves secrecy. Shame grows in hiding. It thrives off of secrecy."I have years of practice going into the shame spiral. But instead of choosing shame, Jody taught me to focus instead on curiosity and awareness around food and my body. As I became more aware of what I put into my body, I realized that I was using food to avoid negative emotions, to celebrate, to experience pleasure, to combat boredom... the list goes on. This particular weakness can sometimes seem especially tough, because eating is necessary. Everyone needs to eat. And the way we eat as a society today - feasting on sugary treats and highly processed foods - is socially acceptable. Everyone does it. It's the "normal" way to eat. But eating like a "normal" person is how we've found ourselves in an obesity epidemic. That's not the normal I want. Throughout the last two years, I have come to know that I "can do better and be better." This body is not mine. It is a gift from Heavenly Father, and I am only its steward. He wants us to be good stewards in all He gives us, including how we treat our body.
How a Broken Heart and Contrite Spirit Changed My Journey
So what does my journey with a food addiction have to do with a broken heart and a contrite spirit? I wanted to change, but it was so difficult. I had to let go of shame, accept that I could not make this change on my own (sacrifice pride), and instead had to rely on my Savior to help me experience godly sorrow and grow closer to Him. As I turned to my Savior and submitted to the will of the Father, I also remembered who I am. I am the daughter of a king! President Boyd K. Packer once said:
"You are a child of God. He is the father of your spirit. Spiritually you are of noble birth, the offspring of the King of Heaven. Fix that truth in your mind and hold to it. However many generations in your mortal ancestry, no matter what race or people you represent, the pedigree of your spirit can be written on a single line. You are a child of God!"Elder Brian K. Taylor suggests that building a relationship with our Heavenly Father will help us to overcome any affliction. He said in a talk that an Apostle of the Lord was asked, "How can we help those struggling with [a personal challenge]?" His response was, "Teach them their identity and their purpose."
I have been blessed with the strength to keep making positive changes in the way I treat my body, even as I've experienced failures that have caused me to give up in the past. As Elder Taylor says: "Coming to know our Father changes everything, especially our hearts."
It's easy to see the physical changes in my body now compared to two years ago. Before, I would often skip a nutritious breakfast at home in exchange for a handful of candy at work. Now, I know better which foods fuel my body. Given the opportunity, I used to sleep anywhere from 10-12 hours a day. But sleeping half my day away isn't what Heavenly Father gave me time for, and instead, I've tried to make a habit of prioritizing the most important things each day. In the last two years, I've lost over 75 pounds and have gained so much more energy, confidence, and perspective. As I've come to understand exactly what Heavenly Father needs me to do with the time He's given me, my heart has changed. My spirit has changed as well, and grown much stronger. To be honest, my change of heart, my conversion to a better way of treating my spirit, has helped further my success with physical changes. Just as the way we treat our body will affect our spirit in positive and negative ways, so can the treatment of our spirits affect our physical bodies.
In any affliction or weakness, I know that by submitting to the Father's will, sacrificing pride, and experiencing godly sorrow, we will grow closer to Christ, Who has the power to help us change. He has done this for me and I testify that He will do it for you, too, if you open your heart and let Him in.
